I’ve grown beyond Tony this morning. Instead, I thought you would enjoy this excerpt from the best book I’ve ever read again and again. Page 54 of Autobiography of Red reads:

“As in childhood we live sweeping close to the sky and now, what dawn is this.

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Herakles lies like a piece of torn silk in the heat of the blue saying,

Geryon please. The break in his voice

made Geryon think for some reason of going into a barn

first thing in the morning

when sunlight strikes a bale of raw hay still wet from the night.

Put your mouth on it Geryon please.

Geryon did. It tasted sweet enough. I am learning a lot in this year of my life,

thought Geryon. It tasted very young.

Geryon felt clear and powerful–not some wounded angel after all

but a magnetic person like Matisse

or Charlie Parker! Afterwards they lay kissing for a long time then

played gorillas. Got hungry.

Soon they were sitting in a booth at the Bus Depot waiting for food.

They had started to practice

their song (“Joy to the World”) when Herakles pulled Geryon’s head

into his lap and began grooming

for nits. Gorilla grunts mingled with breakfast sounds in the busy room.

The waitress arrived

holding two plates of eggs. Geryon gazed up at her from under Herakles’ arm.

Newlyweds? she said.”

Herakles is to Geryon as Tony is to myself, except that Tony wasn’t my first. It was Luke.

And we were in a field behind his house and between the junior high and high school in our small town. I had seen him earlier in the evening and said No and took him home. But then I called him up and said Yes. So there we were in the field and he took control, laid me back and used his mouth. We were both drowning in anticipation. Racing, and not sure why. When he finished (“Tastes like strawberries!” he promised.) I followed suit. No, definitely not strawberries.

After that evening Luke and I spent some months together in his room, in the park, and driving around. His desire scared me, as did my lack of love.