My willing heart

When I encounter him, mouth open and asleep in a chair, after a hot day and reading a comic book, I am just filled with joy. I love him. Endlessly. I just love him.

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A shower on the road to Damascus

This morning was hard. I ate something last night that erupted within my belly and did its best to leave in ALL of the ways possible. I woke up in pain and discomfort. I sat for a long while feeling down. And then things settled and I stood in the shower. (Lately I shower in complete darkness for the calm and the sensations.) As I stood there, I thought about all of the students I wanted to check in with this morning: H whose mom beats her, G who feels suicidal, S who cried to me yesterday that she doesn’t fit in with anyone, and O whose father was put in jail. And as I thought about these young people, literally all my stress and worry disappeared. I have the privilege to serve. I have the disposition that allows me to show up and be present and positive. I have a gift. I want to remember that personal worries can be destroyed by external motivation to help others. I was lucky to wake up, and I am lucky to be available to go and serve the young people who need it most.

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And then there was that time…

I woke up at 3:00 am on a Friday morning before school. I read a bit, played on the Internet, and intimately inspected my body. And lay in bed trying to feel everything. I realized that I’m fine. I may be lonely. Or anxious. Or filled with painful memories and hateful thoughts about myself. But also… I’m fine. My basic needs are met. I have freedom and choices. I’ve yet to discover my full potential. All the darkness will eventually meet light. I’m fine.

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I’m 20 feet tall

My love what did I do to make you fall so far from me
And now, I can’t recall cause of the fall selective memory
Then you, you built a wall
A 20 foot wall
So I couldn’t see
But if I get off my knees I might recall I’m 20 feet tall.
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
My love what did I do to make you fall so far from me
And now, I can’t recall cause of the fall selective memory
Then you, you built a wall
A 20 foot wall
So I couldn’t see
But if I get off my knees I might recall I’m 20 feet tall.
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
Ah, hey
I’m 20 feet tall
Ah
I’m 20 feet tall
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I notice…

He still sleeps on the left side of the bed.

And I still sleep on the right.

One floor apart, but

We still subconsciously make room

For one another.

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This.

I understand that you’re wanting connection. Unfortunately, I don’t have space for it right now.

I understand that you’re wanting connection. Unfortunately, I don’t have space for it right now.

I understand that you’re wanting connection. Unfortunately, I don’t have space for it right now.

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Powerless

The same day I took my month sobriety coin to work so I could show a friend, the same week I had a good conversation with Thom about honesty and his remaining anxieties about my drinking, a few days before I meet with my sponsor to begin working my program… I decided to have a drink last night and potentially fuck it all up.

I have reasons and justifications: I was angry and hurt, lonely and scared, feeling overwhelmed… but those don’t mean anything against the truth of my issue. I am powerless over alcohol. And I’d committed to stay sober. And I was doing good! And then I relapsed.

So my sobriety count begins again. My guilt and shame return. And my marriage may end. And I have to figure out a way to deal with all of this and still go to work in three hours and try and keep my life from falling completely apart.

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