And then there was that time…

I woke up at 3:00 am on a Friday morning before school. I read a bit, played on the Internet, and intimately inspected my body. And lay in bed trying to feel everything. I realized that I’m fine. I may be lonely. Or anxious. Or filled with painful memories and hateful thoughts about myself. But also… I’m fine. My basic needs are met. I have freedom and choices. I’ve yet to discover my full potential. All the darkness will eventually meet light. I’m fine.

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I’m 20 feet tall

My love what did I do to make you fall so far from me
And now, I can’t recall cause of the fall selective memory
Then you, you built a wall
A 20 foot wall
So I couldn’t see
But if I get off my knees I might recall I’m 20 feet tall.
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
My love what did I do to make you fall so far from me
And now, I can’t recall cause of the fall selective memory
Then you, you built a wall
A 20 foot wall
So I couldn’t see
But if I get off my knees I might recall I’m 20 feet tall.
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
Ooh, eh
I’m 20 feet tall
Ah, hey
I’m 20 feet tall
Ah
I’m 20 feet tall
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I notice…

He still sleeps on the left side of the bed.

And I still sleep on the right.

One floor apart, but

We still subconsciously make room

For one another.

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This.

I understand that you’re wanting connection. Unfortunately, I don’t have space for it right now.

I understand that you’re wanting connection. Unfortunately, I don’t have space for it right now.

I understand that you’re wanting connection. Unfortunately, I don’t have space for it right now.

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Powerless

The same day I took my month sobriety coin to work so I could show a friend, the same week I had a good conversation with Thom about honesty and his remaining anxieties about my drinking, a few days before I meet with my sponsor to begin working my program… I decided to have a drink last night and potentially fuck it all up.

I have reasons and justifications: I was angry and hurt, lonely and scared, feeling overwhelmed… but those don’t mean anything against the truth of my issue. I am powerless over alcohol. And I’d committed to stay sober. And I was doing good! And then I relapsed.

So my sobriety count begins again. My guilt and shame return. And my marriage may end. And I have to figure out a way to deal with all of this and still go to work in three hours and try and keep my life from falling completely apart.

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Away

The snowflakes melt on my face like tears. I am floating in the river. The emptiness inside makes me buoyant. The current tries to take me north but I get stuck along the wall. My life is controlled by friction and happenstance. My lifelessness is freeing as I drift away.

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Sobriety

I woke up this morning with a lightness. I’ve made the decision to be sober. Last week it felt like stopping drinking was a punishment for my bad behavior and over indulgence. But this morning it is something I want to work on for myself.

I had a hard weekend of feelings and confronting uncomfortable truths. On Saturday I explained to my therapist that I was ready to stop existing, and that I wasn’t that interested in taking care of myself. I believed I was making choices just for my relationship and to avoid hurting Thom. He pointed out that I am too focused on the now, and if I widen my perspective I’d see all the ways I do care about me and how I’ve been working to survive and thrive for a long time.

It won’t be easy, but I’m going to survive and thrive.

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