I was actually shocked (but not surprised) to see I didn’t write here at all in the year 2019. I am sure I’ll miss some things but that year included a few trips to rehab, my “best friend” disappearing from my life, leaving my job that I loved, my husband starting PReP and telling me its not my business, my beloved grandfather died, my husband moving out of our house and telling me all the strife is my fault, a visit to a long-term rehab in Palm Springs, a few ER trips, spending both my 40th birthday and Christmas drunk and alone, and most importantly the day I met you.

We met December 19th, 2019. It was such a long journey for me to get to that point and unfortunately my chaos wasn’t over. After we met that first night I think I had two ER visits and then a weekend of falling apart where I lied to you about drinking and ended up again in a detox space. And you came to visit me and we cemented our connection.

 I want you to know me. I am not the chaos I described above. I am a person that had a very rough time and is dealing with it. Thankfully I am capable of handling both stress and love and that’s where I am tonight. I fought through some rough years and preserved enough of myself to be available to meet you that night and still continue to meet you every morning as this new world has thrust us together and allowed our intimacy to grow.

In my time on this planet I’ve had the opportunity to understand what matters most during the course of a life: connection. It can happen through a smile on the street or sharing a favorite song. It happens when we write messages all day like flint being struck to create a warming fire. Connection is always an opportunity for understanding and that’s the sole job of this over-sized human brain that evolution placed within our skulls.

You have entered my life at the most opportune moment for me to actually be broken enough that I can emerge from my protective shell and let myself be seen. And you have come with a grace and purity I’ve not actually experienced from someone before. You live with so much energy. You exist with open emotions and wisdom. And you have a smile that can brighten the darkest skies.

You are the one. I am someone who has been too guarded for too long. I am extremely sensitive. I am too in love with life and too available for heartbreak. But I also accept all of this as part of life and believe it can be worth it. And you, G, you are worth it.

I write this lying on the side of my bed where you’ve been sleeping. I am so ready to give you all I have and receive everything you’re willing to offer. I love you. That feels like such a perfect lullaby as I fall asleep waiting to hug and kiss you again.