As it turns out my life has improved considerably.

In the months since we’ve seen one another none of my circumstances have changed, yet everything feels increasingly cozier. I attribute this to a very rigorous habit of calm self-reflection. I’ve been speaking my gratitude out loud and pausing often to breath. And honestly, the universe is still surprising me with easy opportunities to grow.

For example, this past June I signed up to attend a week-long equity and diversity seminar at my school. These seminars are mandated at my school: all employees are expected to go through a version of the seminar in their first three years of employment. I was very excited for the experience — I’d anticipated going through it since I was first hired. Being open and vulnerable, discussing systems of oppression, and connecting human to human with stories were the avenues I hoped to use to finally connect with my new school. Because so far, as I’m sure you’ll remember, I hadn’t made any attempt to connect with any person at work and felt no real need.

But the seminar was horrible. Poorly run by way too many under-prepared facilitators. The other employees in attendance were mostly at this particular seminar because it was their last option before facing some consequence for non-attendance. It was held in a basement room with over-zealous air-conditioning. At one point I actually walked out during an un-productive and triggering conversation about gender binaries and violence. It was four days of biting my tongue and holding my breath.

This would have been frustrating enough, but simultaneously my husband had left that same week to visit family in Mexico. I haven’t, historically, thrived during moments of solitude. And now I was stuck at home alone with all sorts of feelings and nothing to do but sit with them. So I processed loudly while pacing throughout our apartment, talking to mirrors and fussing over the dog. For days. Talking and pacing. Walking the dog. Chewing nicotine gum. Feeling.

You know what I didn’t do? Drink alcohol. The one tried and true way my former self knew to feel better or rather not feel anything at all. I remained conscious and connected.

What finally emerged was simple — I was tired of living in support of other people’s limited views of things. And I was actually feeling myself stifled and frustrated. I’d spent a few years upgrading my life circumstances and yet I wasn’t experiencing any respite from all the trauma and pain. It’s like I had a large pair of wings and I’ve just kept them strapped down and covered up and they were now aching to be released from their constraints. So I let them out and tried to use them. It was time for me to actively live and demand to be seen.

I reached out to school leadership to discuss the poorly run seminar and shared both my negative experience and my ideas to make it better for others. At this same meeting I was offered a position as facilitator and assigned to run my own seminar for new faculty and staff at the end of the summer. Buoyed by this success I also took the opportunity to update my pronouns and preferred title to finally reflect my nonbinary identity both at work and on social media. And suddenly I found myself floating a bit above all the shit from before.

It’s a good thing too because a few days later some of the shit from before decided to reach out. X texted to say that he was proud of my posts about my nonbinary identity. At first I ignored it, then decided to reply with a generic thanks, and finally I crashed back down to my former turmoil because every time X shows up all of the trauma comes with him. But something was different this time. My wings now course-corrected and I was soon on the rise again.

I replied with a self-assurance that had not formerly existed. I acknowledged his support and that support is positive. I then shared that I had never felt supported during our relationship and I hope that he is able now to be present and supportive for his new person. And I pressed send.

With that one text I truly released all the pain and hurt I’d been carrying with me for years. Because I said things directly and plainly that I felt. I expressed a truth about myself in a vulnerable moment and I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything except for the expression. X soon replied and it was obvious that he hadn’t really received my intended message but that also was helpful because I just deleted it and moved on.

And I have moved on. I spent the month of August planning and offering my own version of the diversity seminar at work. One of the school leaders facilitated with me and said it was one of her best weeks at work in 25 years here. I’ve continued to explore my life outside of the gender binary and build up my confidence to express myself how I deserve to be seen and experienced. I feel powerful and present in any room I enter, and display and use my wings whenever I feel like it.

All of this is nice to reflect upon, but my real purpose in writing is to express my gratitude for your years of endless support. I’m able to sit and reflect and wind up feeling empowered because of all the times you reminded me that I have intrinsic worth just because I exist. All of the ways you demonstrated intrinsic worth by honoring your own. Your empathy, understanding, and active support is what kept me alive throughout my years of struggle, and it is my inspiration moving forward.