So, I am not a religious person. Nor am I what you would call a “believer.” I basically believe in the controlled chaos provided to us by our brain’s habit of putting some order into things it perceives. And that’s about it, really. But, I figured writing to you would be a good gimmick. So here goes…

First some background information. I live with Tony, who is nothing if not over-dressed, and we are our own version of a family. The building we live in has walls so thin that every morning we hear our upstairs neighbor having sex. Well, sometime he doesn’t have sex with another person, sometimes he is simply watching porn and most likely playing with himself. But we hear moaning, almost daily. Tony loves it. It puts him in the mood.

We live in a city, with some snow on the ground, and I go to school. Tony entertains himself. He’s like a dog, really, and has no real concept of time. Other similarities? Both Tony and a dog are either asleep or awake, horny or asleep, and always wearing a tuxedo. Well, not all dogs wear tuxedos, this is true, but all of those other things fit the bill.

I never talk about my school, or most things in the present, but I reminisce about my youth and my desire and a list of boys that caused me some joy and sorrow, and forced me to write. Really that is most of what is important. The writing and the boys and Tony. But lately that isn’t so important to me anymore.

That’s why I thought I would write to you, to see if you had any perspective on these issues. You are a figure of some historical importance, and to those who think you are important you are also wise and forgiving and can do a little magic. I like magic. Well, I like the kind that is staged and performed by David Copperfield on television. Do you know him? He performs miracles. In fact, I once saw him walk through a wall. You ever see that? Cool.

So I’m curious about your story. The one that jumps from age 12 to age 33. The one where you are a star. What was left out? What about all of the boys you fell in love with in your youth? What about your dreams of winning a Nobel Peace Prize? Or, better yet, a Nobel prize in literature. Yeah, what about that? Did you ever think there was a possibility that these were just pipe dreams? Did you spend some time re-evaluating your situation? Did you wonder if it were important to start working out? You know, sculpting the old abdominal muscles so people still find you attractive? Speaking of which, have you ever considered a haircut and a shave? I have some nice product you could try. It makes your hair look full and shiny.

I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but I reckon you probably have a ton of time on your hands. There isn’t really a lot of work for you anymore. And now we have all of these flashy and stylish celebrities to measure our own lives against. So, since you are out of work–perhaps you could take a moment and offer me some suggestions? I would appreciate it greatly.

Well, my best to your family. Hope you and your boyfriend had a nice Valentine’s Day. Tony and I just sat around and listened to the guy upstairs play with himself. Yeah, I guess you’re right, it was a nice day. Thanks for pointing that out.