Despite warnings that it is unhealthy to read other blogs besides TWAT, I decided to branch out a bit today and see what the rest of the world has to say. I stumbled upon a lovely little site, the thoughts of KM, that introduced the idea of identity in terms of a conversation between two gay men. One was interested to know if KM was “masculine” acting, and KM was rightfully snippy in reply as he explained that the question really became trivial once sex (which appeared to be the whole goal of the conversation) was introduced:

Other guy: i meant mannerisms
KM: i’m a fag
Other guy: haha
KM: so i’ll own that i’m gay acting, if that’s a problem.. well then.. oh well
Other guy: you know what i mean
KM: not really–i HATE it when people ask me if i’m “masc?”–it’s like.. “well, when your sticking your cock up somebody’s ass, screaming away.. you’re not so ‘masc’ yourself.”

What most interests me about this conversation are the characterizations that are implicit in the questioning of someone being “masc” or “gay acting”, in mannerisms or otherwise. And the fact that “Other guy’s” (my label) interest seems to be dependent on the answer. And that interest will most likely be expressed through some sex act. From my experience, this seems to be typical for a certain sub-set of gay men, those who decide to build a value system on their own superficial rules of attraction and behavior and attempt to process the world based on those standards. And for some reason, the whole point is to eventually engage in a sex act. The point of which is most-likely to experience an orgasm. And then to begin the process over again.

Now, this is not a judgment on this sub-set, nor do I dare claim that all of my assumptions are valid. It is simply the impression I have gained from interacting with men who have fallen prey to this uncomfortable value-system. And it seems that I am not the only person who finds this to be a problem, as KM himself expressed his distaste of that line of questioning.

I should also add at this point that I do not think this is an attribute specific to gay men (or even a sub-set of gay men), no, plenty of people (mostly male, in my opinion) are guided by identical impulses. But I am going to discuss this in terms of gay men because they are who I have had my own experiences with, and who I myself identify with, as a gay man.

Whew–let’s take a breather. This is getting a bit heavy for a blog like Tony’s.

So what is this obsession with masculinity, as defined by a particular set of characteristics? Big muscles, strong handshakes, non-expressive gestures, deep voices? I don’t even know what else to add to the list. It is tied in to appearance, but also seems to go deeper into the area of some sort of ability to “pass” as not gay, should the situation require it. Is it defensive, or simply a spill-over from a past need which is now promoted as a good thing simply out of habit. You know, survival of the fittest.

Either way, it seems a poor way to determine whether or not you want to spend time with a person. And it used to makes me feel insignificant because I do not fit into these shallow little lines. Although I do not wish to, I still cannot shake the awareness that I don’t.

However, there comes a time when most people realize that they would like to find company for more than a night, and at that point it becomes important to embrace a person holistically. My theory, though, is that after a lot of exposure to just sex and many many people, one becomes quite inept in their ability to find or sustain a longer relationship.

I remember Mark, who had counted something like 237 men before he met me. And when he met me I did not fit into any sort of “masculine” mold, nor did I have any of the more physical characteristics that seem to be required for those on the prowl. Perhaps his attraction to me was based on the fact that I was different. Who knows? But he pursued me as if I did. And I constantly had to ask him to slow down. It worked for awhile, until he decided that he should get what he usually gets and took it from me without asking–but that was another story for another post.

But Mark’s problem, well, his problem before the other problem, was that he never seemed to really know much about himself or other people. The only thing he ever seemed to be able to remember were muscles and masculinity.

Now, you can’t always justify or explain your tastes, but I do think that you can cultivate them and expand them. And I also think that if these gay men spent a little less time measuring their men, they could spend a whole lot more time enjoying them. And enjoying themselves, for that matter.

The more you allow yourself to expand, the less you feel the need to hide.