At this moment, you should be with us.

Thom is sitting next to me on the couch. We both are staring at our computers. This is a common scene.

“If a body catch a body coming through the rye…”

I only realized yesterday how comfortable life really was for me. It was a moment when I had accomplished my work and had a weekend day ahead of me with no obligations save for a nap and a catchy song. Thom was in the shower then, and I hoped to explain this all to him but he wouldn’t have really cared because I chatter all the time and I believe he usually tunes me out.

And so I returned to my chair and considered how I would write it all down for you to consume. It was as though something really didn’t mean anything unless I had someone else’s validation. That, friends, is a scary and pathetic thought. And all clarity and calm vanished. This is also a common scene.

Sometimes Thom smiles and shakes his head at me. I can’t tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. One wonders if I should worry, but one would be wasting his/her time because I worry about EVERYTHING! Well, sometimes.

So this is where we are. But who are we? Two boys, living together. Kisses in the morning and kisses at night. Relatively regular. Constant.

I still worry sometimes about that constant because I don’t want us to take it for granted. He of me or me of him. Us of us. And there is SO much of me internally that is not regular. The only thing that I can say for sure is that I love him.

But this is also why I worry: what would it mean if something went wrong? I am erratic, clumsy, and getting cushy around the belly. And I’m also not as starry-eyed as I used to be. I am critical of things. Of me. Of him. Of others. This is positive, I feel, because it makes me focus and consider. It encourages me. And it reminds me of how much I love him in particular.

Wait. I need to remember to focus on me at the moment because I’m falling out of focus. I’m still so worried about the physical. The browning tooth. The random hairs. My droopy eyes. And this distracts me.

The emotional core of many people I know seems to be withheld. I’ve been drowning my own. There seems to be so much pressure to have a plan and/or trajectory rather than simply dealing with those moments of pure joy or fear. The distracting anxiety. The lust or insecurity. The inner life.

I haven’t figured out how the inner life relates to outer in my day to day world. Thom is really the only person who gets the benefit of both my inner and outer. I hope he enjoys it.

At this moment, you have been with us. The tinkling of computer keys and the inner-monologue. Occasional smiles. My life.

Good night.