I am a victim of my own body. According to Tony, I do not always meet his requirements of absolute-sexiness-all-the-time. The following is the list he dictated to me just this morning:

1. When I wake up and my hair is ajar, lobsided, or sticking straight up and relics of yesterday’s product can be seen.

2. When I am sick and stuffy and blow through a box of kleenex an hour.

3. When same sickness causes me to cough and occasionally hack in order to clear my throat. Especially when this sounds similar to my mother’s own throat habits.

4. When I use the restroom and simultaneously blow my nose while he showers.

5. When, while feeling sick and sad, I mope around explaining that I feel sick and sad.

6. When, while explaining that I feel sick and sad, I get interrupted by a hacking cough/runny nose and follow this up by trying to give him a kiss.

7. When I freak out because I realize that my mother used to do a similar thing and it always repulsed me.

8. When, after freaking out, I sit down to type this list and expect I’ll be able to come up with a nice even number of 10 things and realize I only have 7 so decide to include two other anecdotes not-related to the situation in order to achieve goal of list of 10 things.

9. When I try to get a suntan two years ago and decide to only put sunscreen on my nipples because I figure that would really hurt if they got burned and soon manage to fall asleep so my entire body gets burned (which really hurts) except for two white circles around my nipples that resemble mis-placed mickey mouse ears.

10. And finally, when I am 15 years old and get drunk with my friends Billy and Frank while staying the night at Billy’s house and we all decide to go outside in his front yard and smoke a cigarette Billy got from one of the older boys on his highschool golf team only I am so drunk I can’t walk so they carry me outside and unfortunately we get discovered by a police car driving through the neighborhood and while trying to explain to the officer I am not drunk I pass out at his feet and knock out my front tooth on the hard surface of the road and have to get a root canal and subsequently that tooth (or what remains) becomes progressively discolored over the years and makes me a bit nervous to smile fully from time to time.

So there you have it, through no fault of my own I don’t always measure up to Tony’s high standards. Well, fuck Tony. Not everyone can be as perfect and attractive as a made up lover who stars in my blog.