Whoever thinks christianity has nothing to offer needs simply to flip through the bible. Specifically, they should read the old testament and search for the wonderful stories of vengeance and regret. My current favorite is the tale of Uzzah.

2 Samuel 6 tells the story of King David who, along with 30,000 other men, makes his way to the house of Abinadab in Gibeah to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant and return it to Jerusalem. The Ark has been in the care of Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio, for some 20 years by the time of David’s arrival. After some festivities, the group takes off for Jerusalem with Ahio and Uzzah driving the cart. The oxen hauling the cart stumble, causing Uzzah to reach out to the Ark with his hands to prevent the Ark from falling over. Great is the anger of Yahweh over Uzzah’s sacrilegious action that Yahweh strikes Uzzah down on the spot and kills him.

It’s pretty clear why Uzzah was unmercifully killed by his god; he had touched the Ark with his hands to keep the Ark from tipping over and in the process had disobeyed a direct commandment from Yahweh. From Numbers 4-15: “And when Aaron and his sons have made an end of covering the sanctuary, and all the vessels of the sanctuary, as the camp is to set forward; after that, the sons of Kohath shall come to bear it: but they shall not touch any holy thing, lest they die. These things are the burden of the sons of Kohath in the tabernacle of the congregation.”

I love stories like this because they are not governed by logic. You touch it, you die. Even if your intentions are good. You die. And he did. Action and reaction. Tit for tat.

My other favorite biblical story is about Noah getting drunk and passing out naked. One of his sons (Ham) sees him, feels embarrassed, and covers him with a blanket. When Noah wakes up he is wicked-mad for having been seen (small penis anyone?) and says: “Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of the slaves will he be to his brothers!” Now you might be asking who Canaan is, or more importantly why he is now mixed up in this business of shame. Good question. Canaan is Ham’s son, Noah’s grandson, and he was cursed just because he was. We all must bare the burden of our parents.

Dear reader, I’m telling you all this for no reason whatsoever. Just like Yahweh before me, I like to hear myself speak. Go in peace and joy to love and serve the Lord, eat your vegetables, and let’s get it crunk. We don’t need no hateration.