Tony met this girl over the internet. Ever since he graduated from his $60 “school” he’s been trying to diversify his love life. This basically means I have to help him read all the e-mail he now receives from the women he talks to on dating sites. Normally this annoys me and I make him perform certain favors in order to make it worth my while. But that was before he met Lua.

Lua is from Arkansas. She has an accent. And this girl likes sex. A lot.

She moved to the city to become a librarian. At least, she currently attends library school. From what I can tell, she really moved to the city to get laid. An admirable goal for sure, but one she’s achieved numerous times already.

Tony doesn’t know, but I’ve actually been hanging out with Lua for some time. We corresponded after she answered Tony’s personals ad. After I explained to her that I was gay she immediately took a liking to me and we’ve since become fast friends. For a girl who likes sex as much as she claims, she spends a hell of a lot of time with gay men. At school, at home, out in the world. Forget the concept of fag-hag: the girl is a fag-mag(net).

“When I was young, before I had a vibrator, I used a cucumber once. But, it was too thick. I should have taken a potato peeler to it or something, but I wasn’t that industrious.”

Her exterior is so meek. Demure. She’s got the soft, clear complexion of an innocent. Her smile invites your comfort. Mix all this together with the glasses and cardigan sweater and you could place her behind any circulation desk in any public library in the world.

“I think that anything too long would probably hurt. But width is definitely important. I don’t want a small dick. I mean, I don’t want a pencil eraser up in me.”

She lost her virginity when she was 14 years old. She has since been with 17 different men. And one girl, but girls make her shy. She feels that she wouldn’t know what to do with a woman, how to please her. Lua is afraid that all lesbians are confident in their caresses. And besides, she admits freely that in her heart of hearts: “I really like the cock.”

Since she moved to the city she spends a lot of time setting up dates with men over the internet. Most of these men don’t fit her vision of a well-dressed, tattooed, pierced, handsome man with a good job. At times when the internet dating doesn’t bring her satisfaction she falls back on trips home and sex with old friends. Going home also allows her to get free birth control. And hang out with her mom.

Lua’s other passions are Scrabble, boxes of wine, and copy-editing. She can’t stand split infinitives but will occasionally include one in her papers to see if her professors notice. Her resume also includes sleeping until late afternoon and eating inordinate amounts of sushi. And she knows all about the secret garden.

Whenever I think about Lua inside a library I am at ease. Who better to guard the passions of literature? To answer your curious questions? To point you to the juvenile non-fiction collection? She makes me proud to join the profession. Yeah, she is one dirty librarian, but she’s a god-damned good one. Good for circulation. I’m so glad Tony checked her out.