Like a chicken with its head cut off.

I hear voices.

I think they are just my own, but sometimes I’m not so sure. For instance, a few minutes ago I was eavesdropping on a conversation in the next room, and I was certain the following was said:

“Are you ready to do the urine sample?”

“Not yet.”

“I just need a dribble.”

Now, before you think I am totally nutso–the conversation did take place. Someone was asking someone for a cup of pee, that part is certain. However, what seems to have not taken place is the comment “I just need a dribble.” My sources claim that actually the final comment was “I just need a little bit.” What is the difference between “a dribble” and “a little bit”? The world.

You see, one of them seems like a typical response to “Not yet.” Coaxing the boy who is about to pee in a cup that he needn’t worry because you only want “a little” specimen then he won’t feel the pressure to perform. However, telling him that you are seeking “a dribble” is a hell of a lot funnier.

And that is the point, really. I can’t tell if I actually misheard the comment or if my mind transformed it so it sounded better to my ears. This may seem a subtle difference, but it happens all of the time. And often, it happens during situations that don’t really occur. Conversations occur to me and then are enhanced and then I repeat them as fact. Over and over. Often to myself in the shower or while walking down the street. And I laugh. Lately, people are starting to stare.

I’m not sure if it is the novelist in me who needs to re-arrange the world to fit into a nice narrative, or if I’m cuckoo for cocoa-puffs. Either way it makes things interesting to me, and allows me to deliver it interestingly to other people. So maybe it is actually a gift. If only people would stop staring…

The only other thing to confess at this point is that I also twitch. Or jump. One time I was on an elevator and was getting so excited that I was jumping a little and all of the sudden a loud voice started to say “Are you okay? Do you need assistance?” It was the intercom, and the person speaking was at the security desk watching me on a camera and couldn’t figure out why I was jumping. Neither could I. But I stopped so they wouldn’t worry. You know, come to think of it, was there really a voice on the intercom? I sure hope so. If there wasn’t it means I missed out on several floors of jumping time.


About German Jones

I am a librarian by day; I do all sorts of things at night.
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2 Responses to Like a chicken with its head cut off.

  1. swell says:

    i’ve always had the tendancy to misread road signs, billboards and the like while riding in moving vehicles. these days, all my trasposing seems to lead to risque if not perverse thoughts, but it all started when i was six years old and riding through the idaho mountains with my grandparents. they thought it was so funny they pulled a u-turn just to go back and snap a photo to haunt me for eternity.what i read: “wash your socks”what it really said: “watch for stock”

  2. Tony says:

    That’s great!I had a similar moment, though not as creative. The subdivision where my aunt lives has two orange warning signs. The first, “Deaf Child,” is placed by the road to indicate that such a child lives in the house and drivers should be cautious. Soon after this was explained to me I saw the second such warning which read, “Dip.” Now, my logical thinking assumed that some mean parents thought their kid was too stupid to stay out of the road. Even after we hit the bump in the road.

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