I’ve had several friends who, when feeling down, took to cutting themselves. Usually across the wrist, though some hid it and others pushed up their sleeves.

I never thought I understood the impulse. I’ve always claimed I do not like pain. Though tonight, sitting hard upon the bed, I finally feel a connection. I am still putting off my work. For no reason at all. But I casually sit and let the hands of the clock spin round, and blatanly hand in late work, or even none at all.

I feel this habit relates to my cutting friends in that I get such a rush from all the guilt and anxiety. Yes, it is painful, but it is also at these moments that I feel totally connected to my being. All of me must engage in order to meet the deadline (for instance, the fact that my paper is due first thing in the morning and it is still undone) or face the consequences.

I cannot justify this behavior, and I am powerless to stop it.