I am both held hostage and kept moving by my fixation with time. I, like most of you, have made the same resolutions every new year’s day for years and years. I think of the impulse as a mixture of regret and optimism not unlike the dying man’s sudden religious conversion. (Well I fucked up in life but can I have another chance for eternity?) Our human delusion of “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I’ll love ya, tomorrow!” keeps us on our toes. We simultaneously want to improve our condition and know that we probably won’t and so we are able to anxiously feel each passing second as we count down to the end. The dread and anticipation. The peace in procrastination.

This idea isn’t anything new, but today it struck a particular nerve because all the news shows were talking about doomsday predictions for 2012. Thanks to the Mayans (or our misunderstanding of the Mayans) we have almost an entire year of debating whether or not the world will end on 12/21/12. This follows on the heels of our past year of thinking the world would end in May, or is it October? It seems that there is no shortage or prophetic ends to everything. Are these things connected? The will to improve and the hope it will all just end?

I currently live on the 11th floor of a building that overlooks some well-trafficked railroad tracks. This morning I couldn’t help but notice how simple it would be to just open our windows and jump out. For a moment I actively considered it. And then I turned and sat back down at the table and continued writing (one of my many resolutions) and made plans to go tidy up the closet and do a little exercise. In the same second I was willing to cease myself in a hasty and messy fashion while also slowly and steadily planning to win the race this year.

Tony, whom I have missed, finds all of this rather tedious: “If you would just have another glass of champagne,” he chides, “I think you would realize that there is no contradiction. A dramatic conclusion is as satisfying as a happy ending. On that note…can we go get our rocks off now?”