My mother just called and apologized.

Apparently I wrote her a letter as a young boy after she had threatened to hit me. She saved this letter. And now she found it and feels bad about it. I had forgotten all about this moment. But now I feel…

From what I understand… She had been napping and I had been watching my younger (by 11 years) brother and felt frustrated because this chore had been thrust upon me. She woke up after we made some noise. She was grumpy. I somehow found the moment to chide her for her grumpiness because I had been watching her son and she had no right to be angry with me. This made her increasingly angry. From what she told me from my letter (she claims to have lost track of it soon after she read it… Boxes…) she then threatened to hit me with a small souvenir baseball bat. I reacted with indignation and chose to leave the situation and write her a letter.

20 some odd years later I find myself comforting my mother… telling her that she wasn’t that abusive. I felt bad for her. Her father had abused her. Cycles. And now I wonder about how I feel.

Tonight asks questions. I offer only my own feelings of ambivalence.