Although expensive, my life is definitely being improved by my recent work with a new therapist. Our discussions run the gamut of my anxieties and insecurities, yet his advice seems to be pretty consistent: cut yourself some slack and get out there and keep trying. Yesterday morning he challenged me to make a plan for my afternoon, selecting activities that seemed fun or that I wanted to do. “Remember it doesn’t have to be the optimal use of your time, just a good enough way of spending it.”

The idea of “good enough” is something I struggle with quite often. My intention is always to be the best version of myself, making sure that I am not settling for generic or normal existence. In reality that means I am anxious about most of my actions/decisions, and rather than do something mediocre I simply don’t do much at all. Except fret and drink too much.

Yesterday I succeeded in taking some time to go out and explore and work on things that made me feel good to do and left me with a feeling of contentment when I think on them now. I was also tasked with writing about them and emailing him how it went, so I am sure that accountability helped keep me on track. Today, however, I was not so successful. I was not good enough to myself. Although the morning began promising (I woke early, Thom and I performed our Sunday rituals, and we Facetimed with his brother’s family in Germany) it was quickly thrown off course when I decided to sneak a drink. Because once I made the decision to sneak one, I continued to do so throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening. And now I’m preparing to go to bed feeling bad about myself and worried about my health.

The decision to have a drink is something I need to confront head on. Especially because it happened right before we met some friends for brunch and were undoubtedly going to have drinks there. So why did I need to have one before? Sadly I think it is habit at this point. Although at the time I distinctly remember the craving and the back and forth in my head about when and if I could ignore the craving and what would happen if I didn’t. And what happened? I got tired and lethargic, napped, and then had more to drink this evening whenever the opportunity presented itself.

There is no doubt in my mind that my therapist is correct — that inertia will keep me still if I remain still and keep me moving if I can motivate to do so. A healthy plan will help me with movement, and the cessation of drinking will help me feel better about myself and my movements. But can I stop? I have all sorts of excuses (fear of withdrawal symptoms, anxiety, pressure from social circumstances) and so far I have let those take over. But I’m reaching the point that I can feel the harm I’m doing to myself both in my head and in my body, and I need to take the steps to change my habits.

So how do I use the concept of “good enough” to help me? Well, first and foremost I need to forgive myself for my setbacks and move forward with an optimistic plan that tomorrow I can do better than I did today. Because although I am not happy with my choices I made today, perhaps thinking and writing about them this evening is good enough. And rather than dwelling in self-loathing, I can learn to be proud of the changes I still want to make. And I can make a new plan. Which is: tomorrow I will resist the temptation to drink, and if I find myself struggling I will ask for help. And I hope that will be good enough to move me in the right direction.