For the sake of transforming my struggles with drinking and discipline into a dissociative identity disorder, I decided to reach out to Tony this morning and see if he could help steer this narrative. During my prep period we had the following conversation:

“Good morning, Tony!”

“I’m not quite convinced.”

“I have things I need to get done and I was hoping you could take on the mantle of this void I’m feeling.”

“Your problem is that you’ve never learned to enjoy those moments you can take off your pants.”

“Um… I’m at work. Pants are a requirement.”

“You know nothing.”

At this point he hung up the phone and I was left to try and suss out his meaning while re-shelving some books. I had a suspicion that it went a little deeper than simply baring my bottom. (Although Tony has managed to regularly incorporate leather chaps into his formal attire.) Now trying to analyze anything Tony says too much is akin to seeing an S-shape in your stool and then asking a famous TV doctor for a brain transplant, but in this instance he touched a bit of a nerve. Pantslessness was a state that caused me to worry rather than get excited. But luckily he called back so I didn’t have to think too much about it.

“How dare you interrupt my morning regimen of Vodka-waters and Tumblr-porn to try and talk to me about your life goals?!?”

“Tony, I just said good morning and asked for a bit of support. And you don’t have to pick up when I call.”

“I don’t exist without you so I figure it’s the least I can do.”

“Well said. So… put down your drink and your dick and help me stay accountable.”

“I think I’ll just try and balance the phone on my shoulders and keep on keeping on.”

“Whatever, Tony. I just need some support as I try to make some positive changes in my life.”

“Why not just have a drink and try and feel good about what you have?”

“I have a belly that is growing and a heart that is clogging up.”

“Yeah… you’re old and gross.”

“Thanks. Goodbye.”

So Tony wasn’t the best person to turn to, but he did give me an additional kick in the pants to try and stick to my plans to have a good enough day today. Here’s how I did so far:

1. I got up on time and went to work. 

2. Although I did waste some time on my preps I did also do some work. (I think therapist is right that I need to make a plan for that time.)

3. I stayed after school and did more work. 

4. Although I DID end up having a drink it was only wine and limited to 2 glasses out at a bar. 

5. I practiced my banjo. 

6. I went to the gym. 

7. I resisted the temptation to have more alcohol at home. (And it loomed large in my brain. Which is why I think I’m going to try and wean myself off with wine this week.)

8. I am in bed detailing my day and plan to read some of my book. 

9. I decided today was good enough.