Tony or not Tony?

Posted on December 13, 2004 by German Jones

This must be the question. The vitality of the project depends upon it.

It has come to my attention that some slanders have been made through this medium and I feel it is time to settle the score. Tony, in fact, has no family that I know of. And if I’m not aware of it I imagine it would be very difficult for others. There have been recent claims made that not only does he have a sister, but that his sister has a nice blog, and she feels Tony should be careful. Tony has a hard time with caution.

My sister, on the other hand, has a very nice “academic” blog and will someday attain superstar blog status and I can ride along on her coattails.

This brings us to the crucial issue. Who is Tony? Who am I? What is our relationship? Do we have the same hairdresser? The answers are simple: he wears a tux, I write about him and his tux, commonlaw would suggest we are “happily everafter” but I favor the term “indentured servant,” and although I have visited his hairdresser from time to time I do not feel she has mastered the fade and so I prefer to allow my mother to cut my hair. Tony’s mother is no longer allowed to handle scissors.

I know mentioning Tony’s mother brings forth contradictions, but it was those same contradictions that brought forth Tony.

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Tony went to church!!!!!!

Posted on December 12, 2004 by German Jones

i love Sundays.

I Love Sundays.

I LOVE SUNDAYS!

Especially when Tony goes to his “church.” Who knows where it is in this new neighborhood. To be honest, I do not care today. I have my own rituals to attend to. This morning it is CBS Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood, This Week with George Stephonop-whatever, and that show with Tim Russert. I really enjoy my morning culture and politics. And coffee. The rest of the week it may be simply coffee, but on Sunday mornings I really seem to care about things.

Today I’m a bit concerned about soldiers. I have never sincerely appreciated someone who joins the army and such in today’s world. It always seemed a bit ridiculous to me, because potential (and unfortunately current) wars are something I can’t imagine being directly involved with. But people actually volunteer. And now they are dying. And somehow I’m culpable. So is Tony.

Which brings me to the importance and self-conciousness of blogging. Or at least the potential. How nice to have a forum, like Charles, Tim, and George. A powerful and widely accessed medium for comminication to the masses. Tony, I’m sure, is the only thing holding me back. And supporting me. And shagging me in the bathrooms of bars.

The point is simply that you should write to your local government representatives and tell them about Tony and I. Mention us to friends. Alert the media. Because Tony is vast, multitudinous. And I know how to type. Think of the possibilities.

Posted in journal, Tony | 4 Comments

Paper lamps and shower curtains.

Posted on December 11, 2004 by German Jones

Settling in to a new home is hard. No matter how many times we move it seems that we must always get new things. There is never enough. I just got back from the store where I picked up the obvious necessities (see above) and it appears Tony decided not to wait for my return to take his shower. Knowing him, this is probably the third one this morning. Oh well, even with the curtain he is able to get the whole room wet. I just wish he’d remember to take off the tux before he got in.

Not that I don’t understand the pleasure of sopping wet suits. I remember when I was baptized I insisted on wearing a tie even though the preacher recommended just a plain white t-shirt. How strange it was after the fact. When got out of the water and climbed the stairs into the room behind the pulpit it didn’t occur to me that we would have to take off our wet clothes. But there was Bill the red-haired preacher naked before me, toweling off. The situation was beyond small talk. And before I knew it, I looked to see if he had pubic hair and if so, what color. Luckily his changing routine was quick and streamlined and within seconds he had on a new suit and was out the door.

I’ve tried to be spiritual a few times in my life. Like at church camp when they invited people to “Come to the Lord” on the last night of the week. No one else in my cabin walked down the aisle, but it seemed prudent for me to do so. It was. That night all the other boys seemed very interested in how I felt and I forced some tears as an explanation.

Tony once told me that when he was younger he would talk in tongues. Isn’t that cute?

Posted in lust, memory, random, Tony | 2 Comments

Tony only travels by train

Posted on December 10, 2004 by German Jones

Looks like I have to buy a suitcase. Now that there have been real, unimagined comments posted, Tony has decided we must move. (Can anyone say hangover?) Move far away from what he has determined is my computerized portal into sin and depravation. Apparently he doesn’t understand the internet as concept. (Do you?) I am allowing him to believe that if we move away I will no longer be able to access this blog. Believe that its entryway will reside in our vacated two bedroom. (Someday I might get a chance to tell you what we keep in the second room.) But before we go I have to find us a deluxe compartment on a train bound for nowhere.

Those compartments aren’t exactly enough room for two. Luckily mine only had to house one because Luke decided he wasn’t going to fly to the city just to ride back home with me. Decided that he would rather stay at home with his daddy the preacher and mommy the why-don’t-i-just-quit-my-job-for-no-reason-at-all-er. So during the night I moved from the top bunk to the bottom just because I could. Versatility, I’ve found, is extraordinarily satisfying.

But the tracks are really what interest me. Started from a picture on my grandfather’s wall of some tracks in a canyon. “The world’s steepest railroad grade”. I convinced Frank that we should walk down those tracks during our late night Halloween escapade in high school. At the party he was dressed as a secret agent in a suit (Is everybody really crazy for a sharp-dressed man?), but that night he’d taken off his shirt and wore only the suit coat. My secret agent lover man. We eventually got arrested. Three times by the end of the friendship.

There are two points where Frank actually let go of insecurity and allowed himself to be close to me. (For the record he’s now fat and married.) The first was at a middle school slumber party when he got inside my sleeping bag and we wrestled. I definitely felt him poking against my leg. The second, unfortunately, was not on a train but a bus, big and yellow and transporting us home after a band competition. It was late at night and he fell asleep, his head nestled on my shoulder. The process took hours but I managed to maneuver my arm around him and placed my own head on his. I never actually fell asleep.

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Tony can't dance.

Posted on December 10, 2004 by German Jones

Don’t worry, he admits the fact. He almost flaunts it.

I will always remember the night (despite the fact I did’t experience it first hand) he got invited to that college party in the off-campus alternative housing project. He has always been well-suited (ha!) for college parties. A regular snake-charmer. It was very lucky he had those strobe lights to hide behind. I, on the other hand, haven’t been so lucky.

And it wasn’t exactly related to my pants being too tight. Velvet pants are never too tight. And I’m sure that Depeche Mode song can’t be held accountable either. No, I suppose not. (But I won’t let them off the hook just yet.) Whisky? My new haircut? Thinking it’s sexy to pelvically writhe around on the flooor? Surely not.

I tried to sew them back together but it seems that having the whole ass rip apart stretches the limits of needles and thread. (Not too mention our conventional morality.) I even tried just wearing them. Why is having your knees exposed considered cool but showing off three cheeks in one outfit subject to such scrutiny? Why doesn’t the Gap make velvet pants for men? Tony would know. I mean, Tony does know but in his current state he can’t really tell me. And it wouldn’t be in my best interest to wake him.

Have you ever been flogged by a cummerbund?

Posted in memory, random, Tony | 1 Comment

Why Tony? Why now?

Posted on December 9, 2004 by German Jones

With new management, it seems I now have to provide you a bit more context so the story might be told properly. How I met my dapper-daddy. That sounds so sketchy to me. It isn’t really like that. Well, not completely like that. Anyway…

Tony is a gentlemen: either the son of a duke or the heir to a fortune. Actually we met at a bus terminal while he was having his shoes shined. He was on his way to work. Some sort of checkout-retail-fastfood-securityguard-type organization. His bowtie was crooked and I thought it might be a good idea to take his picture. I get confused a lot between what is good and what is not good. Tony didn’t exactly say cheese.

And here we are. Decades (or is it hours?) later. My new life. The daily demands of monotony remind me again and again why Tony is so vital. For instance, the landlord just left. He had to fix the soapdish in the shower. I had to let him in. At some point he asked for a paper towel and mentioned that “tiling” isn’t really what he does. He’s just helping out his family who retired.

If a soapdish might help my family I’m not sure if I would be able to do it. They live so far away. And besides we didn’t have a shower for a long time. I took baths until I was in high school. The orange plastic pitcher was helpful to rinse your hair. I didn’t realize that filling it up with water was actually recycling my own filth. Never even occured to me until Abby wrote that play. It was especially fun to memorize the part of the monologue where my character described how the pain of losing your legs means you have to take baths. Or rather, “stew in your own filth.”

When John took over as my director I felt for sure we might kiss eventually. I liked it when said the words. Also, one afternoon, I went to his dorm room to ask a question and he was napping without his shirt on, wearing only a pair of khaki cargo shorts. The afternoon sunlight covered him as it would a cat. I definitely lingered a bit too long. Although I’m pretty sure he wasn’t really asleep.

Posted in blogging, boys, journal, lust, memory, random, Tony | 2 Comments

Tony isn't happy

Posted on December 8, 2004 by German Jones

Not even four hours and I’ve already been discovered. I didn’t even think Tony knew how to use a computer and now he has read all the previous correspondence. Or someone told him about it. I had no idea I had reached so many people.

He has decided to lay down the law. He feels that if I am using his name and wearing his wardrobe then I must now follow his agenda. After I clear up some loose ends, that is. Tony had no idea there had been others. In fact, he believes it was a lie. After all, everyone knows that “Thou shalt not have any other Tony before me.” I tried to make him see that the earlier Tony was merely a device, a real boy, but just a device for memory. For awakening, discovery, blah blah blah… Tony didn’t buy it. So I have to list them all. All but one. I get to keep one (the best) to myself.

If another Tony appears, then this whole thing has to stop. Keep your fingers crossed:

kyle, frank, jef, micah, ulf, will, josh, clark, sean, luke, mark, mitch, michael and robert. the entire list and no Tony! aaah, sweet vindication. but so many stories. If I were running the show then they would elicit stories, and objects. Associations. But for now, it is simply a list.

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Dressing up.

Posted on December 8, 2004 by German Jones

You are very astute. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, however, since you asked I must go ahead and air our dirty laundry, so to speak. No, Tony doesn’t actually own his tux. I asked him again just to make sure, and he admitted that it wasn’t his. Now, to ward off any further inquisitors–I do not know where it came from. Nor do I really care. (And he would never tell me anyway.)

And it’s not like I own one either. It could be argued that the powder-blue with ruffles did belong to me, but only because I stole it. And the one that made me look like a Confederate general was a rental, and it didn’t last half the night. The only other possibility would be the senior-prom ensemble, and that was merely a coat/jacket with long tails, I didn’t even wear the pants. It was during the time that I believed orange vinyl was a good decision. Distinctive. I had no idea it would make my legs sweat so profusely. And, to be honest, they looked better on Steffen anyway. (Don’t tell Tony!)

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A fond memory.

Posted on December 8, 2004 by German Jones

Before Tony became so well-dressed, there were others. The first, Tony Clark, swam with me on MAAC. We wore speedos. It was either he or I or both (how sad that memories fall apart), but one of us had a distinctive bulge down below. Whispers followed by laughs. The girl sitting between us asked me if I knew what a “bonor” was. I said no, though I really thought I did. She told me that Tony had one now. I checked, he did. By that time I’m sure I did, too. The water was always so cold. Goosebumps prevailed. The last time I saw Tony we were both in marching band and he played the trombone.

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A blog about a superhero named Tony.

Posted on December 6, 2004 by German Jones

He already has his own theme song. (Go find your copy of Surfer Rosa, now!) He was a famous comedic alter ego. We all debated about his status as the boss. He always finished all his homework; raised his hand in homeroom. Does anyone remember Tony?

Just to jog your memory… “His name is Tony and he WEARS A TUX…”

Posted in blogging, music, Tony | 1 Comment