New year. New Attitude. New tux? Fat chance…

But it is clean and starched. And Tony went for a spa treatment. Things seem to be back to normal. Tony has sworn off hallucinogenic substances. I’ve promised to write more. And Tae-bo. We both thought we’d try to exercise a bit with Billy Blanks. I’ve watched the videos a couple of times (not many options since Tony threw out the pornos) and bought a purple mat to lay on the floor. Tony took offense because he doesn’t find spandex to be elegant. Go figure.

I have decided I would like to get some new clothes myself. Something to wear while “working out.” And some sweaters. I need some new sweaters. I used to have so many sweaters before my house burned down last year. Now I have a couple of zip-up Mr. Rogers knock-offs. Nothing with pizazz. I used to have a blue striped sweater with a collar. The stripes were yellow, grey, red, and tan I think. I haven’t seen it for years. I traded it to Robert for a Beck CD. Or perhaps it wasn’t a trade…I think it may have been ransom.

Robert and I used to kiss a lot but I can’t really remember when it started. I’m sure we were both dating other boys at the time. That seemed to be our habit though, kissing when we shouldn’t be kissing. I had a lot of tenderness for him, he made me feel good. Pretty. He had all of these stories about the men in his past. I’m not sure what I had to offer. But I listened well. I let him tell me about his penis. He told me that it was very large. I believed him.

Eventually, it came to pass that I found out for myself. My boyfriend had broken up with me and his was mad because he suspected Robert and I were messing around. He was jealous. He had good reason to be for Robert slept at my apartment one night. I made him breakfast: coffee and cigarettes. He had come back from London and had long hair in the back. I was so excited to be with him. To discover he had a chest. To see him lay on the bed in his boy briefs. But it was weird because I was clingy and he distant. I know we kissed on the couch and moved to the bedroom. As a good host it seemed prudent to fondle a bit. To hold him in my hand. To learn about girth. I have fond memories of standing with him on my balcony and smoking. Smoke curling as we allowed ourselves to burn down to the filter.

A couple years earlier I called him late one night because I had borrowed a car and felt like driving. We made it out to a deserted country road before the car stopped going. We called a tow truck and laughed. The night was showing off its stars. I felt so free.